White Chicks (PG)
Opens September 23
Running Time: 97 min

Cast: Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Jaime King, Terry Crews
Director: Keenen Ivory Wayans

The Michael Jackson Movie – Black Guys turn White Chicks

By Nicole Wong • UrbanWire
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White Chicks is definitely 1 movie that throws all logic and reasoning right out of the window. Even before watching it, you know it’s going to be a brainless flick. Which isn’t surprising - after all, it was written by the same people who brought us Scary Movie.

Directed by their older brother Keenan Ivory Wayans, White Chicks stars Shawn and Marlon Wayans as bumbling African American FBI agents Kevin and Marcus Copeland who have messed up one too many cases. After their latest failure (a drug case foiled by taking out the wrong guys), their chief warns them that if they make one more wrong move they‘re careers will be kaput.

Enter the Wilson sisters (Maitland Ward and Anne Dudek) – a vivacious, promiscuous Caucasian duo who also happen to be hotel heiresses (sound familiar?). Suspecting that the girls are kidnapping targets, the FBI head honchos decide to have them personally escorted to Hampton (a weekend getaway for the rich and famous), and who better to baby-sit the socialites than Kevin and Marcus, whose careers couldn’t get any worse? Although bored stiff by the assignment, the brothers take it on hoping to redeem themselves.

Of course, in typical Wayans fashion, the most ridiculous happens – Baby, the sisters’ pampered little dog falls out of the car window, and in trying to save him, the brothers crash the car into a ditch. Both girls are distraught that their faces have become disfigured because, well, EVERYONE knows that a minor cut on the nose bridge and slightly busted lips calls for major cosmetic surgery.

Predictably, the superficial sisters absolutely refuse to be seen in public, much less at THE event at the Hampton. And instead of letting the FBI chief know, the Copeland brothers decide to take matters into their own hands once again. With the help of a team of scientists, the brothers go through much trouble to turn themselves from a pair of black homeboys to a pair of white chicks, complete with, a “like, omigawd!” Valley girl accent.

And here, we see why logic and reasoning must have been left at the door. With all the trouble the scientists went through to come up with masks, fake boobs and body paint, they could easily have covered up the sisters’ scratches. If you buy the Copelands’ excuse for the difference in how the Wilsons now look, knee surgery not only makes people taller, it also makes their voices much lower and hoarser, gives them beautifully rubberised faces with little capacity for facial expressions. Now that’s what you call lame, pardon the pun.

As a pair of rich whites, the sisters come with a bevy of supporting best friends Karen (Busy Philipps), Lisa (Jennifer Carpenter) and Tori (Jessica Cauffiel) who back them up when they face their arch-nemeses, twins Heather and Megan Vandergeld (Jaime King and Brittany Daniel) and their posse.

With the set up for a plethora of stereotypical jokes that cover all ground, from racist to misogynistic to class segregation, this film spares almost no one, in trying to show how dysfunctional modern society is.

With some potential for the film to actually fly, it unfortunately gets tangled up in a weak script full of clichés. With 6 writers on the job, you might have expected fewer 2-dimensional characters and a more intelligent comedy. Of course, it’s hard to expect any more than slapstick comedy from the Wayans, which is great if you’re out for mindless fun and you don’t have to spend $7 on it.

Perhaps the only redeeming quality in the film is Terry Crews’ hilarious performance as Darnell Johnson, a big black star basketball athlete, who brags about how well-endowed he is by saying: “Once you go black, you’ll need a wheelchair”. The white socialite wannabe has the hots for Tiffany, who is actually Marcus in drag. As the randy athlete, Terry Crews’ character is as gross as he is funny, especially when you find out at the end that his fetish for white girls isn’t just limited to girls.

Any movie by the Wayans is like eating durian. Some people think it’s heavenly; others associate it with the stuff you find in toilet bowls. This one is no exception. If you think fart jokes and toe-nail chewing is hilarious, you’ll like this one. Sure, there were some funny bits, but seriously you might just want to wait for the DVD.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

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